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It's Okay Even If It Hurts

Recently, I was affected by the loss of an individual who had touched my heart more deeply than I knew. I did not know them, I had never seen this person face to face, never spoken a word to them, but I had heard their voice and their message. I even shed a tear as I thought about all they had yet to experience and now never would. It was a blessing that as I decided to publish post today, I discovered that some of their work had been published posthumously.

They were a voice for progression, yet a victim of regression. Their words lifted others from darkness and put smiles on their faces. They were a role model, an advocate for LGBT rights, for equality, for mental health. This individual was a beacon of light in a dark world and it saddens me to see that someone so inherently good could be suffering such pain. What make the human life beautiful is the briefness of it and what good we choose to do during our brief time on earth.

We as humans are so harsh on ourselves. We see ourselves as less beautiful than we are, we beat ourselves down over every small failure and we fail to see the beauty that is in our lives. We don't like to ask for help and we rationalise our feelings by telling ourselves we don't deserve to feel this way, or that others have it worse than we do.

It is important to never forget how much we mean to the people around us, and not just to our family and friends. Everything thing we do touches the people around us in unique ways. You mean something to the person you smile to on your morning commute every time you see them. You mean something to the person who you just complimented because you like their outfit. You mean something to the person who overheard you tell a joke to your friends and then proceeds to tell it to their own. We may not always be able to see the difference that our existence makes, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. You may think that the world would be better off without you, but the world wouldn't be the world without you in it.

We all have a little desire to save the world. Some of us can only save one person, and it's ok if that one person is ourselves.

If anyone needs help reach out. It may seem like nothing will help but it makes the weight lighter, even if just for a day:  https://www.samaritans.org/

2018 Goals: Let's Get It

[Planner from https://www.eccololtd.com/]

I could start this post off by saying 'new year, new me' but that would probably be a lie.Knowing myself, I've started this year being as coarse and scratchy on the outside and squishy on the inside as last year. I thought I'd give myself a week to get over the unrealistic resolutions like giving up chocolate and let the real ones roll in.

A lot of the reason why I had a bad time over the course of 2017 was because of a poor quality of mental health. The invasive thoughts get into my head, I start obsessing and the next thing I know I'm asleep all day and crying all night because it's all just too much and the uneven sleep pattern has got my cortisol levels running rampant. This has got to stop. I need to change my coping methods so I can have a more productive year and be a happier person for it.

During my slump, I fell out of contact with a number of my friends and in doing so felt even worse about myself. I now need to push myself to hang out with people more and get into the habit of reaching out, even if it's just for a cup of tea. If I'm not seeing one of my friends at least once a week, I'm not doing it right. 

Funnily enough, I already have a drivers license from my time in Asia and I am legally allowed to drive there for a few more years, but I need to get a UK license if I want to drive here. O and I have been hankering to take a little trip around the UK and it would make life so much easier if we could just hop in the car rather than have to slump heavy suitcases on the train. As much as I love public transport, I miss having the same freedom. 

I am too old to be buying cheap trainers and wondering why they fall to bits after a couple weeks. I make my own money and I still have the sense I was born with so I shouldn't feel guilty when I see a new coat that I like during my time of need. I want to go to a fancy black hairdresser and have someone else work with this mane. I want to get my teeth whitened. This year I will invest more money in myself, not just materialistically, but spiritually as well. I can't begin to build my life beyond myself if I don't start from within and help to build my own character.

That means drinking more than 1.5L everyday and not just when I feel guilty. Balancing my diet and not just eating 9 easy peelers in one sitting. Going to the gym more than once a week and not chickening out because it's a bit chilly outside. Exfoliate. Face masks. Hair masks etc. You get the deal...

What are your goals for 2018?

2017: A Year in Review

What better way to start a new year than by looking back at 2017 and thinking about everything I have learnt, and believe me, I learnt a lot. Let's be honest. 2017 has been a year of utmost shenanigans. The year threw so many curveballs I wasn't sure whether it was best to run screaming or cover my eyes and pray for it to be over. And it wasn't just me; people in general seemed to be having a rough time, but that is what made the good parts extra special.

  • Justin Nozuka: I saw Justin Nozuka perform as my first solo gig of the year. I have been a fan of Justin for about 5 years and was unable to attend his gig in London a few years ago and was completely gutted. This year, thanks to Songkick, I managed to catch his performance, take loads of videos and chat to him in person. He's just the sweetest in person.
  • FEMM: I saw the Japanese electronic duo FEMM (short for Far East Mention Mannequins) perform at Underworld Camden, thanks to Songkick again. It was only their second performance in London so it was rather small but I got pretty close to the front. They performed some of my favourite songs of theirs (Fxxk Boys Get Money) and some new ones that I am now obsessed with (Dead Wrong). If anyone needs a female anthem, Dead Wrong's the one.
  • SZA: My parents got me SZA tickets for my 23rd birthday. I absolutely LOVE SZA and her music is my first port of call when I wanna get/am all up in my feelings. I religiously listened to CTRL when it came out so I was absolutely buzzing to see her perform and was ruthlessly sending snaps to my bestie who's also a big fan. 

  • Skytrex Melaka: I celebrated the beginning of 2017 in Malaysia with my family and close friends in Melaka. During our stay, we went to Skytrex Melaka (a bit like Go Ape) and the Extreme Warrior trail, the highest and hardest trail, up in the canopy of Taman Botani Ayer Keroh. Nerve-wracking, but totally worth it!
  • Paris: O and I used my long weekend at work to escape to Paris for a few days. Envision days filled with glasses of wine, chocolate crepes and visits to all the museums. I even managed to squeeze in a meal with some family friends at this beautiful little cafe amongst all our touristy ventures.
  • Sorano, Italy: I spent three weeks travelling around Sorano, Tuscany with my mum when she came to visit me for a month. I took a bunch of time off work and was able to travel the Italian countryside. It was lovely having so much time to properly explore Tuscany. 

  • We got Sterling: After months of back and forths with O about getting a pet, we finally brought our cinder corn snake home. Yeah he's not fluffy and doesn't want our constant attention, but he always comes to say hello and likes keeping us company when we watch movies, sitting in our pockets.
  • Started A New Job: I started my first job after graduating from university working in the care system. While this job was very exhausting, both emotionally and physically, I learnt a lot about the healthcare system and myself in turn. I also made some great friends

  • Raindance/United Festival: I took the plunge and went to a number of festivals with a new group of friends I made earlier in the year. Even though I was really nervous to go out to events with so many people
  • Pulled an all-nighter: I celebrated a family's birthday and clocked in the most hours I've ever been awake at 27hrs. I'd gone to work at 7.30am and returned home the following morning at 10am. Probably won't be able to physically do it again, but it made for some fond memories and I've never been to so many places in London all in one night.
  • Visit from N: A friend of mine from high school came to visit me during her travels and stayed with me for a week. Thanks to her, I got to see Phantom again and do all the touristy things I don't usually have time to do.
  • New tattoo: I got my new tattoo by a tattoo artist I've been following for the past few years. He was travelling through Europe and was tattooing in London for a few days so I jumped at the chance of getting a piece done by him. I ended up with a custom rose by him and all I can say is money well spent. I'm looking forward to wearing backless dresses when the summer comes around. 
Even though 2017 was somewhat of an eyebrow raiser of a year, I can't deny that there were some pretty good moments.