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Why We Forgive Our Selfish Friends/Exes

I look at his photos on Instagram sometimes. Sometimes it's on purpose, but most of the times it isn't We floated in the same circles when I was 17 and some of his friends became my friends and my friends his. It's safe to say we would always kind of be connected to each other.

I can see his face when I'm on insta and not feel that little burning bubble of hatred that used to weigh me down for days on end when someone even breathed his name. I guess you could call that character development.

It's funny how you can go from having someone be a staple in your life and being unable to cope with the possibility of them never being in your life when really it's nothing like that at all. People are more like avocados than water. You don't need avocados to survive.

But how does someone get to that point of feeling not even a niggle of emotion towards a person who played such a pinnacle role in their development as a human being? I had many emotions about him, not all positive. Thanks to this time period of my life, I have many negative traits. I'm quite to anger, I'm loud and I can be vindictive. I am also highly aware of my value as a person and will let very few people take advantage of me.

We are all, however, victims of time and as time goes on we feel everything less intensely than we did before. This in itself is a bit of a faux pas because it leaves us vulnerable to abuse yet again. No one wants to believe that someone is inherently a bad person but our forgiveness can sometimes leave us open to it again.

But it is a blessing. Forgiveness. And if anything, forgiveness is more for us than the one who desires it. When we forgive, we take time to look back at what was done to us and we forgive ourselves for 'allowing''it to happen. We forgive ourselves for letting that person in because it is part of the beauty of us, we are warm and kind and we choose to see the light in people who only see the darkness in themselves.

So would I be in the place to meet up with said person and be happy? No way in hell. Do I still want them to burn in the flames of hell? Not so much.

It's Okay Even If It Hurts

Recently, I was affected by the loss of an individual who had touched my heart more deeply than I knew. I did not know them, I had never seen this person face to face, never spoken a word to them, but I had heard their voice and their message. I even shed a tear as I thought about all they had yet to experience and now never would. It was a blessing that as I decided to publish post today, I discovered that some of their work had been published posthumously.

They were a voice for progression, yet a victim of regression. Their words lifted others from darkness and put smiles on their faces. They were a role model, an advocate for LGBT rights, for equality, for mental health. This individual was a beacon of light in a dark world and it saddens me to see that someone so inherently good could be suffering such pain. What make the human life beautiful is the briefness of it and what good we choose to do during our brief time on earth.

We as humans are so harsh on ourselves. We see ourselves as less beautiful than we are, we beat ourselves down over every small failure and we fail to see the beauty that is in our lives. We don't like to ask for help and we rationalise our feelings by telling ourselves we don't deserve to feel this way, or that others have it worse than we do.

It is important to never forget how much we mean to the people around us, and not just to our family and friends. Everything thing we do touches the people around us in unique ways. You mean something to the person you smile to on your morning commute every time you see them. You mean something to the person who you just complimented because you like their outfit. You mean something to the person who overheard you tell a joke to your friends and then proceeds to tell it to their own. We may not always be able to see the difference that our existence makes, but that doesn't mean that it isn't there. You may think that the world would be better off without you, but the world wouldn't be the world without you in it.

We all have a little desire to save the world. Some of us can only save one person, and it's ok if that one person is ourselves.

If anyone needs help reach out. It may seem like nothing will help but it makes the weight lighter, even if just for a day:  https://www.samaritans.org/

2018 Goals: Let's Get It

[Planner from https://www.eccololtd.com/]

I could start this post off by saying 'new year, new me' but that would probably be a lie.Knowing myself, I've started this year being as coarse and scratchy on the outside and squishy on the inside as last year. I thought I'd give myself a week to get over the unrealistic resolutions like giving up chocolate and let the real ones roll in.

A lot of the reason why I had a bad time over the course of 2017 was because of a poor quality of mental health. The invasive thoughts get into my head, I start obsessing and the next thing I know I'm asleep all day and crying all night because it's all just too much and the uneven sleep pattern has got my cortisol levels running rampant. This has got to stop. I need to change my coping methods so I can have a more productive year and be a happier person for it.

During my slump, I fell out of contact with a number of my friends and in doing so felt even worse about myself. I now need to push myself to hang out with people more and get into the habit of reaching out, even if it's just for a cup of tea. If I'm not seeing one of my friends at least once a week, I'm not doing it right. 

Funnily enough, I already have a drivers license from my time in Asia and I am legally allowed to drive there for a few more years, but I need to get a UK license if I want to drive here. O and I have been hankering to take a little trip around the UK and it would make life so much easier if we could just hop in the car rather than have to slump heavy suitcases on the train. As much as I love public transport, I miss having the same freedom. 

I am too old to be buying cheap trainers and wondering why they fall to bits after a couple weeks. I make my own money and I still have the sense I was born with so I shouldn't feel guilty when I see a new coat that I like during my time of need. I want to go to a fancy black hairdresser and have someone else work with this mane. I want to get my teeth whitened. This year I will invest more money in myself, not just materialistically, but spiritually as well. I can't begin to build my life beyond myself if I don't start from within and help to build my own character.

That means drinking more than 1.5L everyday and not just when I feel guilty. Balancing my diet and not just eating 9 easy peelers in one sitting. Going to the gym more than once a week and not chickening out because it's a bit chilly outside. Exfoliate. Face masks. Hair masks etc. You get the deal...

What are your goals for 2018?